Being Selfish..

Although a morbid subject, a recent death, made me realise a little bit more about myself. Not that many people read my blog anyway, so for anyone reading this, sorry for such a depressing subject!
I was always very close with my grandad. Having been so lucky as to grow up into my adult life with BOTH sets of grandparents made me realise that I was luckier than most. I'm not sure why, but, myself and my brother Luke, always felt like our grandparents were indestructable. I suppose that meant we sort of, always thought they would be there. It was the best thing, being kids, and going to see nans and grandads. You grow up though don't you. You find yourself getting busier and busier, before you know it, your seeing nans and grandads on maybe special occasions. Don't get me wrong. I'm not on some guilt trip tormenting myself, I just wish i'd spent more time with him. He was such an amazing character! Schoolboy demeanor, Frank Sinatra loving, charmer, who loved and cared for his grandchildren. Telling my dad this, I started to cry, amidst the sobs, there were words about an empty space at the dinner table as I had always sat next to him. Sure there were little digs and jobes at my mum for being from manchester, but he did love her.
Then my dad said something to me. "He's probably watching you know. Laughing at you, he's not crying. We're crying because of our loss, because, he won't be a part of OUR lives any more. How selfish is that" this followed by a little bit of a laugh. I realised then, that is why people always say "when I die, please don't grieve for me" because we're not greiving for them. We're grieving for ourselves. Its not bad, I don't mean that. I just think that thats why a life should be celebrated. My grandad lived a long, fun (and sometimes difficult) life. His favourite little saying was "I don't care what the weatherman says, If the weatherman says its raining" maybe we should all be like that. There will always be rain in our lives, I guess its whether we choose to stay inside and avoid it, rather than face it with a big red umberella and wellies LOL! I don't want to sound like, a wise old egg, I just can't think of any other way to put it across. I will miss him. I will miss him in my life, at my birthdays, wedding, (hopefully graduation), because he was the one that pushed me the most, I don't think I would have gone to university if not for my dad and grandad. I'll always remember our last conversation,
"How's university, doing well I hope."
"Yeah its good, i'm trying my best anyway, I seem to be doing alright"
"So.. We can expect great things from you then"
"Maybe... Hopefully"
"Not hopefully, definately"

I'll always love my grandad, its selfish of me to say i've lost him, I haven't lost him. Even though there will be no new words. I'll have all the best words from him always!
Thanks grandad!
xxx